I laugh. ?I swear. ?And sometimes I shriek a little bit. ?And I’m not quiet about it either. ?I don’t mean to. ?It just happens. ?It is not helped by the fact my horse is enormous and feels like he is doing everything in slow-mo. ?Which gives me the opportunity to yell at least 3 expletives per obstacle then cackle insanely upon landing.
I recently competed at my first Amateur show. ?A well-planned jump from doing Club 2 it was not. ?I just went straight from my usual 85cms to Am 2 at the heady height of 1m05 because the first show after passing my Galop 7?did not have an Amateur 3 class. That would have made a sensible bridge to stroll calmly across into the new and classier version of show jumping. ?Instead I chose to introduce myself to this new world by loudly shouting “fuck” a lot.
And by jumping the warm-up fences in the wrong direction. ?How was I to know? ?The only jump that was up was an upright with no ground pole and no-one else was jumping. ?Honestly. ?From their reaction you would have thought I had walked into a restaurant and pooed on a table. ?It is truly amazing how much distain a Frenchman can get into the word Madame.
In retrospect, I really ought to have taken my coach with me. ?Or at least someone to help with putting the warm-up fences up for me. ?Nipping over a jump quickly before it gets put up again is ok when riding Toto my Welsh Pony at Club Shows as he turns on a 6-pence and is over it before the other competitor’s coach has time to get annoyed. ?Lotus is a warship. ?A warship with a mar-hoosive turning circle. ?We don’t “nip” anywhere. ?Although we are quite good at “looming”, “bah-doomphing” and knocking down said obstacle just as the rider it was meant for is turning off the piste and committed to their approach. ?Ooops. ?How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. ?OMG. ?I love Simon Pegg in that film. ?Mmm? ?I wonder if I could get a job as a writer?
But swearing. ?I know of at least two other people who do it. ?I asked my coach if she does it. ?She said yes but she has learned to do it under her breath. ?I was wondering why it happens. ?I jump higher jumps in training and I don’t swear. ?So, in my case at least, it is not fear. ?I can only assume that we put so much pressure on ourselves to arrive on time, with all our stuff (I do know of one rider who forgot his horse), with clean clothes?and clean horse and clean tack and just being clean in general which is so out of character that a little bit of filth just has to happen to balance it all back out again. Who knows?
Sports Psychologists, probably. ?I shall ask one if they want to shadow me. ?It can be my contribution to the enormous bubble of information that is Equitation.
So there I was. ?All Clean. ?Now jumping in the correct direction. ?Boyfriend fully trained in the art of pressing “record” on my phone. ?I know which jumps to jump. And in which order. ?My horse is all warmed up. ?And I have put to sleep my only worry about Amateur shows that is different to Club shows. ?IE, there are always 2, or even 3, horse/rider combos in the ring at any one time. ?I stayed out! ?I firmly waited outside of the ring until the rider before me was on his home run. ?There was no way on earth I was going to risk fucking it up and getting in the way. ?No siree!
When I rode at that moment, I was constantly running a check-list. ?Chin up. ?Shoulders back. ?No! ?Don’t hollow your back! ?Put more weight in your stirrups. ?Hands down, Ellie! ?Grab his mane to keep them in place. ?Then I get to the jump. ?What! ?Why did you fold yourself in two over that jump? ?Feet!!!!! ?They don’t need to be by your ears. Fuuuuuuuuuuck! ?hahahahahaa!! ?OMG! ?Sit up! ?The second in the double shiiiiiiiiit, fuck, knacker, bollocks, sit back up you daft cow!! ?Calm, zen. ?Remember, guard the rhythm. ?Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba – oh my god, Jesus H Fucking Christ, ba-boom hahahahahahaha!!!!!!
You get the idea.
My only regret is not wearing a head-cam. ?Frederic?did really well filming considering he is a total technophobe but my telephone did not pick up the sound well enough. ?I can “hear” some of what I am saying but only because I know what it was I was saying.
I came out of that ring laughing my head off. ?It was a total blast. ?I thoroughly enjoyed myself. ?Ok. ?I know my coach would have been face-palming. ?She has a face-palming emoticon, you know. ? I know me and my horse are capable of a lot better. ?I know you are supposed to take it more seriously. ?But why? ?I had fun. ?Is that not the point? ?I cantered about in posh, clean clothes and said naughty words in a loud voice. ?Who needs alcohol? ?Who needs drugs? ?lol
Who needs horses?
And if you scroll down on your pc there is more.
I think if you are on your phone you have to scroll up.
Or is it the other way around.
Ack! ?Fuck knows!